Let’s Talk Post Traumatic GROWTH
Trauma is a trending word and that is so great! It’s estimated that about 60 percent of men and 50 percent of women experience at least one trauma in their lifetime. Not everyone who experiences trauma will develop PTSD but the ones that do have symptoms that negatively impact their daily functioning. What is not as well-known but growing in popularity is the term Post Traumatic Growth. Post Traumatic Growth is when someone experienced psychological struggle after a traumatic event(s) and then was able to grow from the experiences.
I found this topic so compelling when I first heard about it in grad school from a peer who was studying it after he had served in the Iraq War. As he shared about Post Traumatic Growth I was just in so much awe of a person who had already at such a young age could feel like he had experienced trauma and even grown from those experiences. At the time I didn’t personally connect with this. Ironically though during this time is when I had just married the man that would be the root of my trauma. So now I really resonate with the topic since I now can say I have experienced trauma AND I have grown from it!
My Trauma.
I was with my abuser for almost ten years which consumed all of my twenties. He had narcissistic traits with alcohol and marijuana dependency. He was a chronic liar, gas lighter, lacked empathy for me, craved attention from others, put on a superhero mask when we were out in public (not literally), and ruined important moments of mine out of jealousy. He was unable to hold a steady job, was frequently not home, and did not contribute financially, emotionally, or in household or parenting duties. My trauma also included the events of him cheating on me (which ended the relationship), driving my children while heavily intoxicated, and breaking into my home.
Beginning of my growth period.
The first few months of recovering from trauma can look differently for each individual. For me it was a grueling healing process. I was a trauma therapist at the time and I knew the best way to get to a healthier place was for me was to dive right in to the healing even though it hurt and was uncomfortable. I also did not want him to take another day from me that I could spend being happy and feeling free. So I cried and I cried. I yelled and I made some poor decisions. However, the positive decisions I made for my growth journey were monstrous in comparison. No path is perfectly straight but the importance is the takeaway lessons and applying it to better your present and future. I engaged in full vulnerability. I reached out to my friends and to my family. I shared about my experiences and how I felt. I was done hiding the truth about the relationship. It was scary but I had nothing to lose. I was ready to build my supportive community and if anyone objected then they could leave too.
Continuing the growth.
Being able to get to a place where you are able to begin working on the self and your future is still challenging but also exciting. I engaged in daily meditation, did yoga, exercised, focused on gratitude, and although I had a lot on my plate I focused on making sure each day had some joy. I read self-help books and was writing again. I turned most of my tears in to laughter. I started dating again when I felt ready and met someone that was supportive, loving, interested in me for me, and was driven just like I am. All of these items were very healing for me and can look differently for each unique person. It’s important to find what works for you to cope and heal based on your individuality. I secured multiple advances in my career that also helped me grow due feeling a new type of fulfillment while also reducing the financial strain of being an only parent to two kids living in Southern California.
Seeking safety should be first priority if you or your loved ones are still at risk of harm. For about a year and a half I worked tirelessly on increasing my sense of safety for myself and for my kids which included selling and buying a new home to disclose my address, securing full legal and physical custody of my children, and having court monitored visits for my kids with their dad. I learned the hard way in how to enforce strong boundaries that I now know I can not be flexible on or else it would be met with continued abuse. The sense of peace and freedom that I now feel is so sacred to me.
Growth Doesn’t Mean Erased.
Whoever has been through trauma and experienced post traumatic growth knows that there are still triggers. Regardless of the growth you made, you still experienced trauma and that doesn’t get erased. Small little things can happen that remind you of the traumatic events and trigger your response system. The good news is that when you are triggered this is where you can have corrective experiences with some self-work.
I am still triggered time to time and I have the insight to acknowledge the triggers and alter my reaction. The corrective experiences can be so powerful. When you experience abuse and then are in a healthy relationship, the most subtle things are foreign to you. My boyfriend will check in on me when I am down or feel ill, he will make sure that I eat, and he responds to my kids tantrums with love and calmness even if he is probably frustrated. This sort of caring and type of relationship was completely foreign to me and have acted as corrective experiences.
Growing from your trauma is a lifelong journey. Your trauma is what makes you, you. These are challenging experiences that you have endured. No one is perfect even if someone did not experience adverse childhood experiences or adulthood trauma. So don’t beat yourself up if you have stuff to work on. Also, don’t envy others for their ease you never know what their true experiences are and comparing isn’t helpful anyways for your own growth. Of course it would be nice to not have experienced trauma. OF COURSE. But what if we try out the mindset of our trauma is what made us a powerful human being that can bring so much good to the universe?
The moment I think that I have made all the growth I could I am faced with a new situation. For example, in my relationship my partner recently showed irritation and it sent me to a highly anxious place right off the bat. I realized there was something there that I needed further self-work on because he is allowed to be upset with healthy reactions without me becoming insanely nervous.
A lot of people who have endured trauma had their voices muted. Most recently, my biggest growth I have made from my trauma is gaining my voice back. I was muted for years because of the wrath I would receive for sharing how I felt. I finally feel safe and brave enough to share my stories while utilizing my clinical knowledge to help others grow.
Although you might have made a significant amount of progress it’s important to still check in time to time and reflect on your current relationships, your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Acknowledging when your response is based on your trauma and then working on preventing that in the future is also healthy and normal. Seeking therapy years later is completely healthy as well. Using coping skills daily and engaging in self-care is awesome for continued growth. Let’s celebrate together for post traumatic growth!
