How to Have a Self-Identity After Having Children
Remember life before kids when you were able to just go to target or get a pedicure? Or hop on over to a museum and then have dinner and a movie after? And no guilt involved? Or being able to simply take care of your own basic needs like eating, drinking, and sleeping? When those things go out the window as moms, so can having a self-identity.
Having a self-identity as a mom helps you feel like you are more than a machine, it helps you feel fulfilled with all of your buckets full, and that you are a powerhouse raising tiny humans.
It even benefits your kids in the sense that you are modeling for them healthy behaviors (e.g., working out, individuality, following passions, work ethics, etc.). You are even helping your kids build autonomy by allowing them to have some time to play by themselves or with other kids!
Losing your identity during pregnancy or postpartum.
Some moms will already begin to lose their identity during pregnancy. Body changes can be very challenging for a woman even if she loves that she is creating a baby. All of a sudden, you might not recognize yourself anymore when you look in a mirror. You might go from being miss to ma’am (yeah that was a personal one for me!). There might be activities that were part of your identity but once pregnant you were unable to engage in them, such as a certain sport.
Some moms lose their identity during postpartum. The body that once held the baby is no longer housing the baby but has left the beautiful body with changes where clothes are not fitting the same nor do you recognize the body. The body after delivery also might have a new role, which is feeding the baby. Breastfeeding is a beautiful experience while it can also feel like you are still loaning your body to your baby.
Inherently mothers can be physically and mentally drained which causes a further disconnect from their self-identity. There is significantly less time for yourself even if you have a village of people because at the end of the day you are still the mama. I really feel for single mothers, moms who have an unsupportive partner, moms who lack a support system, and moms working multiple jobs. It can already be so challenging to have a self-identity being a mom without those added layers. The longer you feel disconnected from yourself the longer it can take to realize that you need to do something in order to feel like an individual. So there’s no better day than today to get started!
Tips on how to gain self-identity back:
Reflect on things you did before kids and really think about what you feel is lacking from your life that gives you a sense of an identity. Is it that you used to run everyday? Or you had a weekly night out with girlfriends? Was it that you had a career and then became a stay at home mom?
Make yourself a priority by scheduling yourself time just as you would if it were something for your kids or for your work. Find time that you may be wasting such as scrolling on Instagram during feeding sessions and replace the scrolling with reading a book or listening to music.
You can get creative too with it not looking exactly how it was before kids but modifying it to still bring you the same fulfillment. For example, I was a runner and when I became a single mom I couldn’t go on runs anymore and leave my babies at home. So I invested in ME and bought a cycle bike and I also do strength training at home. Although it isn’t always a peaceful workout it’s also really awesome to model for my kids a healthy lifestyle.
Be easy on yourself. You schedule in time for 5 am to wake up and exercise but then you’re up all night with your child. You have a full day ahead of you too. Be easy on yourself. Let yourself rest when you need it and don’t beat yourself up for choosing rest over the plan you had scheduled. Listen to what your body needs and praise yourself for giving your body what it needs at the physiological level.
Don’t be afraid to ask others for help. Also don’t be afraid to take someone up on their offer to help!
Your life completely changed when having children and of course it is easy to lose sight of oneself when putting all your effort in to raising a tiny being. So make sure to throw out unrealistic expectations out the window. Another term you can also trash is “bouncing back.” Bouncing back to what? You just made the biggest life change you could ever make what are you exactly bouncing back to?
If all of it seems like a lot and overwhelming that is okay just take baby steps. The first step could simply be brainstorming! I wish you the ultimate best on your self-identity journey and raising tiny humans.
